left behind

I realized just how insecure I really am last night. How many times do I have to have doubts? Or stay up all night tossing and turning wondering what the hell is going on all the way in UK? The whole time the phrase ‘never allow someone to be your priority, while you are their option’ was repeating itself getting louder and louder in my head. I don’t know if I’m an option, or a priority, or nothing. Right now I’d say its definitely between option and priority. But not one or the other. Haha.

I mean. I don’t want to wait for years, and then find out its all been in vain, she found someone new. I know she told me that its only gonna be me, and a whole lotta other stuff that was kinda supposed to reassure me, but I’ve had too many promises made to me broken, and too many sweet words that were never acted upon spoken to me to really trust her with stuff like this anymore. How am I supposed to know? Haih. Having fun is having fun la, but its been six months now, don’t you think its time she settled down? And omg. Theres this nagging fear of another guy coming into the picture. What with all the hot korean Rain lookalikes who wear too much perfume, and all the rich singaporeans who think its sophisticated and unique-sounding to ask her if she “wants to give it a shot”. Fuck you. I don’t care if your daddys some international mafia boss. Or a super rich billionaire businessman with enough police connections to make sure that my body will never be found even after it turns up yellow and bloated at the mouth of the Klang River. I’ll rip you in half and eat your insides anyway. =D

Looking at all this makes me want to laugh it off and carry on doing what I’m doing. But theres still that nagging doubt thats eating at me from the inside and I hope to God that it gets put to sleep soon.